Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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