so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
