Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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