Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i think i just lost a toe
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
