How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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