I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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