I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
