I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I have tasted many bathrooms
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