So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
