somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
