I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
