her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
