I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
