i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
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Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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