12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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