I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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