Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
