I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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