Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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