Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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