soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
wow bdsm is so cute
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
