I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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