Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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