she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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