I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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