Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
