as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
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His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize