if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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