I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
