I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
