Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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