Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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