OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
