I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
