Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
