Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you had me at cake vodka
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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