I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
