This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
