can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
