So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
