I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She's the barista slut.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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