Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
