I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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