I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
