okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
