How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
