Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just googled if crying burns calories
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
