and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
