Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
