Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
