I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
