mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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