I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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