i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
