I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
