Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
